How funny to find your own blog and reread your words and find healing and hope in them. It has been such a long 3 year hiatus. After reading my words, I thought "I should so do this again". So here I am again. Perhaps you missed me? Perhaps I write only for myself.

     I will catch you up to date in as few words as possible. All my boys are out in South Dakota now! My mom is moved into the same city as well. My husband's best friend from Indiana has moved his family to SD. My husband and I went thru many difficulties in our marriage but along the journey he accepted Christ as his personal Savior and was baptized last year. Wowzers! Is life perfect? No! Actually we have had a new crop of difficulties within our family (Rhonda called them "growing pains") and new amazing miracles along the way including a sweet granddaughter. Along the journey, I continue to say that God is good, He is faithful, and I ask Him to continue to save me from the doubts that creep in.

     That top photo is from my best day of a vacation to Philadelphia. just a month ago. Last year I got to meet a second cousin I didn't even know I had. We kept up a steady stream of emails and occasional phone conversations. He surprised me with an offer to go fishing together when I saw him this year. Not just any fishing but fishing that required waders! Needless to say that made it all the more fun that he had planned out all the details including this novelty. The area we went to reminded me of Indiana. My boys would have loved it as well. Fishing always reminds me of my dad - he loved to fish.

      Thoughts of Indiana bring back feelings of joy but even bigger feelings of sadness or perhaps desperation. I was desperate for God's presence - I don't know what I would have done if I had not had him in my life during those hard years. I was as one living in Egypt - longing for saving. Now life seems like a bit of the desert wandering. Sometimes I think, "Haven't I been here before?" What a joy though to have my husband with me as we wander ever towards the Promise Land.

     Today I sit and type as a respite for my knee and my soul. I got that black belt in Taekwondo and Nathan and I are currently working on our 2nd Dans. Unfortunately another student performed a technique that caused damage to my knee. The hardest part are the feelings of frustration that come in waves like nausea. The pain is upsetting but the loss of activity and physical fitness have caused me to feel particularly down in the dumps. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever return to TKD. What if this is it for me? Ugh... I really do enjoy TKD. It has only been two weeks tho. Sigh... Can you hear my pity party?

     Our pastor's words found me today. He was in Galatians but had gone to Hebrews 11 following a rabbit trail on faithfulness. Those saints of old saw God's plan for deliverance from a distance. They heard it, understood it, perceived it was given to them, anticipated it was achievable, welcomed it with JOY, and then confessed it. When I read back thru the blog and considered my own journey to SD, I realized I did that as well. My mom and I had no idea that those early prayers and desires would be fulfilled in such a mighty way! These additional words from him filled my heart with much needed encouragement:

"This is not a one-time confession but a lifetime confession. 

I am not just glancing towards the city one time, but I am seeking the city."

     I felt encouraged to get out of this tent and start moving again. NO not moving the household again... unless God were to lead me there... but to stop the pity party and do what I can to move towards the city on the hill. There are a lot of loose threads of brokenness, sadness, and loss within our family and extended family and those we care about but there is this city... this promise, this Way. I want to continue on and I want each of you to come as well. So let's pack up the tents and hit the road. The rest stop we have been staying at has become a stench pool instead. We have got to get moving before we forget that we were called to another home.

    So today, I will upload this blog post. Then I'll start with some leg lifts per my physical therapist instructions followed by some good ole sit-ups and push-ups (I think I'll start with 10 each). By the time I finish all that, it will be time to make dinner. Tomorrow is another day... let's get going... and do the very next thing.

Nearly Fall

If one could only capture a moment in a photograph as clearly as words capture thoughts. This photo is just a mere shadow of the reality of this day. It was a glorious day with a warm sun and gentle wind that caused the grass to wave and flow. I am always reminded of Rich's words, "there's more that dances on the prairie than the wind...". Life all around me- flowing wild and free; His Spirit and creation dancing before my eyes. Wow! Add to that the smell of the prairie. One can not fully grasp the words to describe that unique and powerful smell. I feel so alive- so very solid. I am free to enjoy the moment that He lays out before me. Perhaps a simple ride down roads that are no more than a grass trail can become moments of praise to Him.

I began this post back in June but only got that first paragraph before living took over and this post rested. Now the colors are turning and the fields are being harvested. I took this photo while traveling back from a busy day at the schools. I love the colors and this endless land and sky. All the boys are really settling into this laid back wide open ground. We call this "home" for now - recognizing that this world can never really be our home.

Work is extremely busy for me right now. I remind myself that this is for a season. Just as these colors burst on the scene, life ebbs and flows in richness and beauty as well as death and decay. "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven..." I want to rest in that and not strive for more. The Spirit whispers to me, "Is this enough? Do you trust Me? Do I not give good gifts to My children who love Me?"

It is good enough. I want to trust You, help my unbelief! Yes, You do give good gifts to Your children. Thank-you again and again!

Palm Sunday, the First Day of Spring, and My Father's Birthday

Look at that grin... Oh Father in Heaven how I miss my dad. Today he would have been 70 years old and extremely sick if he had continued on. This is him busy working with his hands in Uganda. Don't let that fool you though... he was also quick to enjoy a cup of coffee and conversation. Often I'm asked how I came to live out here rather than Indiana. It always goes back to my dad. He came out to White River, SD on an invite from some other men to lend a hand working for a pastor. That single trip became a yearly trek that brought my mom and eventually my oldest two boys as well.

And then came the hard year when we watched his health vanish. For some reason, White River came to his heart and mind. Isn't it funny how God works in those little details? Why not Uganda, Puerto Rico, Egypt, Vietnam, Korea, Germany, Texas, Israel, or some other part of the world in which he had traveled? It wasn't as if he ever said that White River, SD was the best place he had ever visited. It was just another place he had gone. But White River, South Dakota came to his mind and he talked of my mom bringing me and the boys west to the middle of nowhere. Looking back I wish I would have asked more. Why there? Did he see around the bend for me?

Those Valley Springers back in Indiana talk about speaking into one another. They live it well as they encourage one another. I'm not sure how they say it exactly but I think of it like this. As Christians we ought to "encourage the brethren" and "speak truth" to one another. But what does that look like and how do we do that. Someone mentioned having a vision for another and encouraging them based on that vision. With all the people I know, I may have no clue of what God's plan is for their life. Perhaps I don't know them well enough or perhaps God hasn't given me any clue. That is ok. But there are a few, maybe only one or two, in which I do see them at a next stage. Not exactly like, "you are going to be a missionary..." but perhaps more like "I see you past this difficult stage and pursuing God" and "look at how you are actively chasing Him" in this way. I call it seeing around the bend. To be on the receiving end of those words, has saved me in my darkest moments. (Thank -you Geri... you saw faith when all I saw was fear. Those words you said have carried me far.)

So back to my dad... I like to think he saw around a bend and that God even gave him a location where I would land. Perhaps my dad knew of my love to drink a cup of coffee and visit. Perhaps he knew of how well I do with getting by with what I have. I know he knew that I would need healing and perhaps something made him think the hills and big sky would heal my broken heart with his passing. I think God put those words on his lips and he said them. I don't remember my dad ever hesitating with pursuing God in word or deed. He was a man of action.

As the novelty of this first year comes to a end I am truly amazed at the hand of God as He has brought me around the bend and shown me His Glory. Today at church the pastor asked "What has God done for you?". I wanted to say "He has healed me and bound up my broken heart". He has brought me back to life - I feel like how Lazarus must have felt as they removed the wrappings of death and his eyes beheld the sun again. I am alive again! What a fitting date to reflect on new life! One of my patient's told me spring is the time for change and my departure from Indiana was timed well. Geesh- I hadn't even planned that last year. But God sure did!

Working with my many patients has also been encouraging. I'm embracing my curly hair for the first time in my life. Currently, I have decided to grow it out. Nothing beats hearing another sweet grey haired woman compliment my crazy curls. That seems like such a trivial thing but for me it is huge. I've taken up taekwondo with Nate (who is a blue belt already) and drive 45 minutes 3-4x's a week for lessons. (I tried the cardio kickboxing class he offered but thought I was going to have a heart attack!) But taekwondo is invigorating and the sparring against the instructor was fun and not as scary as I imagined! I'm negotiating with my Lakota friends to join me in taking Lakota language courses. Just yesterday, I learned how to hem some pants and did it. Today I painted my toenails blue. On the warm days, I drive with the windows down and don't worry about how really wild my hair will be.

My words for this year are "why not". I am free to pursue God and free to be who I really am in Him. I am free to live and laugh and enjoy. Maybe you are thinking that I've gone crazy or will go to far. Grace is one of those scary words that Christians worry over. I feel I have gone a bit crazy- I mean what 40 year old woman paints their toenails a bright blue and takes up taekwondo to pursue a black belt? I like to think of G.K. Chesterton's words from Orthodoxy about the sane and the insane. Of course lengthy and wordy but well worth the read!

"The last thing that can be said of a lunatic is that his actions are causeless. If any human acts may loosely be called causeless, they are the minor acts of a healthy man; whistling as he walks; slashing the grass with a stick; kicking his heels or rubbing his hands. It is the happy man who does the useless things; the sick man is not strong enough to be idle. It is exactly such careless and causeless actions that the madman could never understand; for the madman (like the determinist) generally sees too much cause in everything. The madman would read a conspiratorial significance into those empty activities. He would think that the lopping of the grass was an attack on private property. He would think that the kicking of the heels was a signal to an accomplice. If the mad man could for an instant become careless, he would become sane. Every one who has had the misfortune to talk with people in the heart or on the edge of a mental disorder, knows that their most sinister quality is a horrible clarity of detail; a connecting of one thing with another in a map more elaborate than a maze."

I like to think of it as embracing the mystery of God's plan in my life and allowing myself to enjoy the ride. Instead of searching and worrying about the next bend, I'm leaning back and throwing up my hands to His grace. I feel much like a little girl again looking at my heavenly Father and seeing Him wave me on. Go climb that gigantic slide. The ride is worth far more than the worry of the climb. Sure I could fall and break my neck- but I could just as easily die sitting here typing this silly blog. That sure would be funny- "I wonder why her toenails were blue?" and "why are they burying her in the taekwondo uniform?"! Dear family- please do! Well- I mean display me that way and then cremate me. God has a much better outfit awaiting me and I'll let the little ones in heaven paint my toenails! It would be quite a story to tell those astonished grievers that I wanted to be remembered pursuing God and enjoying life along the way.

Ah the mystery of God that He calls us in the 21st century to believe in the fairy tale. How God loves us so much that He sent His Son- Jesus. That He fulfilled every prophecy down to the smallest details including riding a colt into Jerusalem. He beckons us with the promise of Heaven with only a simple step of trusting Him and accepting Jesus as the ONLY way. Not our works, not our reasoning, not some solid proof- nay only simple faith like that of a child, His child. That is what we are regardless of the pretending. Today I celebrate the arrival of Jesus upon the scene. His face set like flint toward death because of the vision around the bend. And I set my face- with crazy curls and blue toenails- in anticipation of the bend. Joyful and childlike, I embrace the unfolding of His plan!

Encore!!

As an Occupational Therapy Assistant, I look for routines and habits with my patients. Those habits and routines make up a portion of the Occupational Profile and give me insight into my patient. I can also use those to my patient's advantage when attempting to complete a task.  Sometimes I ask how he or she completed a task prior to injury. Even more frequently, I watch to see what the individual will do when facing a task. Getting dressed is a perfect example. Everyone completes this task differently. Now imagine a hip fracture and a change of environment (the hospital) and the routine becomes more complex. No more bending forward to place those legs through. Suddenly new routines have to be established; now a reacher and sock aid join the session. The task is the same but the processes changes.

Lately I have had a lot of hip fracture patients and have been teaching a lot of adaptive equipment use. The days have been long and monotonous. I come home tired and emotionally drained. I think and hope that this is just a season.  Soon enough the caseload will change and spring will come. In the meantime, I am really enjoying my weekends staying cozy and warm at home. Every now and then I sort through another box. The best weekends are spent hanging out with the boys and not working :)

Spring is slowly advancing; the days grow longer and longer and the temperatures gradually climb. This means I get to see the sun rise and set each day. I am amazed and encouraged every time. My mind drifts back to G.K. Chesterton's passage from Orthodoxy. This is a somewhat lengthy passage but a worthy read! 

 "The sun rises every morning. I do not rise every morning, but the variation is due not to my activity, but to my inaction. Now, to put the matter in a popular phrase, it might be true that the sun rises regularly because he never gets tired of rising. His routine might be due, not to a lifelessness, but to a rush of life. The thing I mean can be seen, for instance, in children, when they find some game or joke that they specifically enjoy. A child kicks his legs rhythmically through excess, not absence, of life. Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, 'Do it again'; and the grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony.

But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony.

It is possible that God says every morning, 'Do it again' to the sun; and every evening, 'Do it again' to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we. The repetition in Nature may not be a mere recurrence; it may be a theatrical encore."

 I really think God specializes in occupational therapy. I'll have to blog more about that another day because it is rather interesting to think about. But back to Chesterton's passage. The Father thrives on repetition but that repetition varies as well. The sun greets and departs each day; the moon and stars file across the dark sky. But the tilt of the axis and the changes in the atmosphere as well as a billion other reasons cause each sunrise to appear differently. God does it again and again and yet there is always some way in which it is different from the last time.

How do I fit in this encore? As the audience member, can I see these variations? Do my eyes behold how He changes it up for me? Or do I just see monotony-on and on and on? I've been looking for those routines as well as His subtle changes. I am continually amazed. I wish that I could capture it but there is no possible way! Books could never contain it and photographs could never fully do justice to His majesty!

The other day I was moaning and groaning on my way into work. Sometimes I do that... true story. I can be a whiner. My whining that day mainly consisted of blah blah blah... here I go again...blah blah blah. The sunrise caught my eye. Sigh... He does it again and I am amazed. What? Again. He does it again. And not only that, He is asking me to do it again. Will I participate in the dance?

"It may be that our little tragedy has touched the gods, that they admire it from their starry galleries, and that at the end of every human drama man is called again and again before the curtain." (G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy)

 
Perhaps our boring moments are not at all boring to Him. Does He look for our subtle changes and find joy? What makes it more interesting to Him? This thought gave me the boost of energy I needed in that moment and in this season. How can I view each day as an opportunity to perform for Him even in the routine? How can I surprise Him? This has literally transformed those blah moments into powerful opportunities to serve Him.

And He in turn blesses me with His ENCORE!

Pressing on in gratitude

 

      The other day a co-worker asked me what I was thankful for... wow if he only knew how my life has changed in a year! Look at this beautiful sight I come home to each day! I took this after our first snowfall out here in South Dakota. Nearly every morning I look out the windows from my bed and smile at the wonder of the Father's love for me. 

     No everything isn't perfect out here. In fact some days and weeks feel difficult and bleak. But I marvel at how He has sustained me and refreshed my soul when I have needed Him most. I see His beautiful rolling hills, the grasses dancing in His presence, the sky with clouds and sunsets reminding me of His never ending encore of love, and the stars that I gaze upon- they declare His glory throughout the universe just for those who look up to see.

      I love this country and I love these people. I have been privileged to be a part in the lives of my patients on their road to healing. I have great co-workers who do their job well and with great kindness for their patients. I have ventured into a new church family (I miss you Valley Springers). And best of all, those quiet gentle folks I love with easy laughs as we sit side by side- God continues to bring us together when I most need the refreshment.

      So here I sit, cozy in my little house in the rolling prairies. This Thanksgiving Day I long to tell you to chase after the Father. When He burdens your heart for someone or something, keep begging Him why and if there would be anything He desires of you to do. If it be prayer, pray. If it be give, then give.  If it be go, then by all means go!

 

     Sometimes on the hard days, I stop and think... if I died today or this very moment, am I where I feel the Father wants me? Am I doing what He wants me to do? I have no regrets on this choice. I do miss you my friends and family...  

But - I am well and it is well with my soul...

I send you my love friends and family!

Press on...

An Experiment in Faith

An Experiment in Faith

Where does one begin telling of an adventure? I tend to tell long stories full of details that may seem insignificant to others but I feel are a part of the beauty of the story.  I’ll fast forward this tale trusting you already know of our passion and deep appreciation of the Lakota and the prairie. That seems somewhat tragic to leave out those very huge realities because they are the weight and essence of our plan. Those realities are framed with the Father as our sure foundation and carpenter of His plan. Tell me you get that already… let me see your eyes shine with agreement before I continue…

Now I need to know that you also are full of a desire for adventure. Yes, you might not travel far within your community and live a rather ordinary life. But don’t you have a side that longs to do something completely irrational and reckless. If you knew at any time you could snap your fingers and the adventure could be reversed (just in case things went south), wouldn’t you like to really LIVE wild and free. I think we all feel that way regardless of age. Perhaps I read it in Lewis or Chesterton- but I believe it is another truth of the reality of the Father’s creation.

So, this tale begins with a choice, a very clear and decisive choice. Through the many details and events of the past seven years as well as some other huge defining moments, I found myself with a degree as an Occupational Therapy Assistant and began looking for a job. This is no easy task and the recruiters were less then pleased to learn I wasn’t really sure where I would like to work. On a whim and whispered prayer, I checked the area of SD hoping that just maybe God would say yes. Fast forward through all of those miracles, and you find me faced with one of the hardest decisions of my life. A job is available and hour from the community I love, the interview goes great, the pay is small, and I am standing on the brink of a life changing moment.

Now obviously to those who know- I took the leap of faith towards God. He has never failed me and I decided to risk my future in His hands. I know I possibly could have misread His intentions and have made some error along this path. But I believe that God can and will correct me. I would beg you to not minimize the mighty hand of the Father to do this in your life. He is able to save- able to redeem, and able to move. Our choice in all those matters, are similar to a relationship between a two year old and a father. God is bigger than your mistakes- and all the ragamuffins shout “AMEN!”

I write this surrounded by the hills, prairie, and mixture of the Lakota I love and the other locals I am coming to love. My mom is keeping me company. Together we have settled on a newsletter/blog of sorts. I am hoping we will share this platform and you will get a chance to hear her words as well. I’m not sure there will be much of a chronological sequence to the posts. As the words come, we will record them. Our desire is to convey the results of our experiment and allow the reader to know more about our journey of faith. I’ll close with this:

·         Romans 1:17 “For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith for faith, as it is written, “The righteous shall live by faith.”

·         Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for the conviction of “things not seen”.

·         Hebrews 11: 6 “And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him.”  

Come and join us on this experiment of faith in the Almighty God…

 

the woman with the alabaster jar...

You ask why this woman, why she would throw such extravagance in a leper's house... I guess I wonder why more of us don't...

If she was Mary, THE Mary who chose better and sat at that feet of Jesus rather than worry about lunch...

If she was Mary, THE Mary who looked Jesus in the eye and said "if you had been here..."

The Mary who wept two days as her brother lay cold...

The Mary who watched Jesus grieve...

And then, here comes the catalyst,

The Mary who saw with her own eyes death triumphed on this side of the River...

Why wouldn't she do something so raw and yet beautiful, fearless and dangerous... Won't we all when we see Him conquer death... Real death!? Won't we all cast down our crowns at His feet!?

Have you tasted death? Have you had that moment of raw pain when after weeping for days? The Messiah drops by and you cry out... "If only you had been here..."

In precepts, Karla talked about living between this world's "life" (our best moments) and "death" (those moments of intense pain). That we strive to avoid "death" and seek only "life". Our own little version of living. And how pitifully small that world is. Those words have stuck with me.

I have read about Him resurrecting the dead, read about Him defying His own grave, met Him in front of my Father's real tomb, and my brother's figurative tomb, even my own "death" tombs... I have said to Him, "if only"...

I have spent much time living in that shallow land of my poorly defined life and death and decided no more.

I've been stepping out in faith and joyfully realizing that it wasn't death.

My father's death five years ago... (Can still feel like death but only if we think tombs are the end of the story!)
talking to people isn't death (still a work in progress!),
going back to college isn't death (I actually love it quite a bit!)
Nate's illness when he was little (even if arthritis continues to lurk in his life)
my oldest boy, in anger, leaving home the day after Christmas... (that continues to be a huge stretch of faith in the face of a really large rock blocking that tomb... How I long to see what He is doing)

And this moment I am in right now... It is not death!

Well you get the idea. Some things have been little steps of faith and others huge agonizing hardships I haven't understood... But none of it has been real death! And I have found great joy in telling the Father thank-you each time I realize the lies I had believed were only smoke and mirrors.

So live, boldly and fearless for Him. And encourage others to live likewise! Each of us have a tomb we long to meet Him at. A tomb where the death stench keeps us away. Won't it be awesome to watch "Lazarus" come out and help unwrap death to life in each other... And won't it be even more wonderful on the other side when all this world explodes in His glory!

And when we fail, as we will, He offers us His cup of forgiveness... And we pick up our crosses and follow Him...

Thanks for helping me send this boy to Nepal with great joy... He is one of my five highly treasured perfumes. Be it to sickness, a journey of hardships, or to the heights following God, I want to pour these jars over Him ... With much boldness even in the face of fear.

"The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?"

Some day ... some glorious day all these tombs will crack open and we dead will LIVE